Buffets have lost their place in a COVID world

For the past three months it seems we have made one sacrifice after another.

First, the complete lockdown. They took the restaurants, salons, casinos, theaters, shopping — you name it, we couldn’t do it.

Then they slowly started letting us feel somewhat normal again by allowing most businesses to reopen.

So here we are in Phase 2, and still there are no food buffets.

I have done my civic duty, supported the smallbusiness restaurants, done the takeout. I have survived the limited cutback on menus and the new norm of plastic cutlery. (Though this one I am still confused about because of the whole recycling thing we have been preached at for the past 30 years, but, hey, COVID takes precedence.)

Still, I have not seen any food buffets. Now, why does this seem to be my one sacrifice that I feel I am having to endure? Ewww, with COVID who could even think of the unhealthy buffet? Well, blame it on my roots, on my waistline or maybe I just like food, but a buffet sometimes just gives the variety and comfort that we sometimes seek.

This past weekend we went out of town, and I was delighted when I saw it! An open buffet. Boorah! Someone finally said let’s do this and did it! Well, almost.

First, gone are the days of being allowed to graze over the same food that feeds everyone and the ability to pick out your piece of chicken. An attendant will now fix your plate cafeteria-style as you make your way down the line to the stations and you are given whatever size portion the attendant feels you may need. (Heaven forbid you be the one in a long line that asks for a bigger portion.) Want another piece? Well, all the way back through the line to each station. You must follow the one-way COVID guidelines after all. Forget cutting line and running straight for another dang roll!

After eating, I realized it just was not the same. The food was still your buffet delicacy, but there was something different. Then it dawned on me. It was the freedom! You could not just go and pick up what you wanted — however much you wanted — and just have a good-ol’, help-yourself, all-you-caneat good time.

That is why the buffet has not yet returned. It simply symbolizes everything we seem to have given up during the pandemic. The buffet truly does not have a place in a COVID-restricted world.

I mean, seriously, how are you going to justify sitting there in a mask and gloves with your plastic cutlery to ward off COVID as you scarf down that cholesterol-ridden piece of coconut meringue pie? No, you’re not. You’re an American. You want the choice! You want the freedom! You want it because the doctor has probably told you to stay away, and now you want it because the government has closed it down!

Denis Leary probably said it best in his Edgar Friendly speech in “Demolition Man”:

“I'm into freedom of speech and freedom of choice. I'm the kind of guy who wants to sit in a greasy spoon and think, "Gee, should I have the T-bone steak or the jumbo rack of barbecued ribs with the side order of gravy fries?" I want high cholesterol. I want to eat bacon, butter and buckets of cheese, OK?”

And with that, folks, a buffet just does not have a place in a healthy, follow-the-rules, governmentsanctioned, COVID-restricted world.